Farima Nawabi
In our society, from day one, we teach our daughters that they must respect and be afraid of men and masculinity, but we teach our sons that respecting women is a matter of shame. We teach boys that viewing women as equals makes their masculinity questionable. Sometimes, we even tell them respecting women’s rights makes them dishonorable.
We force our daughters to wear a hijab, but we never tell our boys to respect women’s bodies. We don’t tell them to not view women’s bodies as commodities for their pleasure. We don’t tell them not to stare at women’s bodies or touch them without consent.
We punish girls for being. We scrutinize their every move: going out alone, coming home late, dressing, talking or laughing in ways we deem inappropriate and even their posture. However we never ask our boys what they are wearing and where they are going. We don’t even tell them that they don’t have the right to harass or abuse women for the way they choose to laugh or dress or walk. We don’t tell our boys that no one has given us the permission to harass others on the pretext of clothing. We don’t prevent them from staying out at night, speaking foul language, or spending time with unfit friends.
We teach girls that love is a sin. We prohibit them from even speaking with men but we do not feel guilty for the relations our sons build with other girls. We think to ourselves, “He is a man. It doesn’t matter.” If loving is a sin, will God punish one sex more than the other for it?
Overall, we teach girls responsibility and boys, power. Girls are born with responsibilities at home. They are to behave well, listen well, not talk about, cook well, clean well and most importantly, remain patient at all times. For men, it is a shame to help around the house. Their masculinity is questioned if they wash their own clothes, make their own tea, or cook. However, a good girl should never complain about house work or the bad habits of men around her… at the same time we do not consider that our daughters will live with boys we have trained. We never teach our sons that women are not a source of free labor. Women can be friends and partners. Women are equal and deserve the same rights.
In contrast, we teach our boys that someone else will always take care of their needs. We teach them that they have the right to be angry. Anger is masculinity. Love, kindness, crying, and all other feelings are feminine and not for them. We tell them that being feminine is the worst thing they could be. Having feelings is a matter of shame. On the other hand, we teach our girls that their anger, even in the face of injustice, is unjustified. Women are only allowed to be dainty and breakable.
When we impose these laws on our children and teach them to the gender hierarchy, is it because they were born with user’s manuals? Is there a natural law that dictates that women should obey and men should give the orders? No. The diversity of gender roles around the world is proof that these laws are made by men. We have chosen to create strict gender roles and designate rights and responsibilities based on it. We have decided to train women are silent servants and men as angry bosses. We have decided not to teach our children equality, kindness, and mercy. We have designated the roles of powerless and powerful to them even before their birth and only we can change these societal norms and create humane societies.
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Read this piece in Persian here.